(Not-so) Happy 25th
Yesterday was my 25th birthday, and for whatever reason, I had thought that I’d have some big realization about life and what I need to be doing. Yeah, none of that came about at all. I spent most of the day locked up in my room in front of my laptop, listening to music and browsing the web. I seriously live a boring life.
And for some strange reason, I just felt alone. I’m not sure why, but I just did. And in all honesty, I was okay with it.

(Not-so) Happy 25th

Yesterday was my 25th birthday, and for whatever reason, I had thought that I’d have some big realization about life and what I need to be doing. Yeah, none of that came about at all. I spent most of the day locked up in my room in front of my laptop, listening to music and browsing the web. I seriously live a boring life.

And for some strange reason, I just felt alone. I’m not sure why, but I just did. And in all honesty, I was okay with it.


First is Jealousy, Then come Pain

At first, I was happy about the idea and actually supported it. I didn’t mind at all about the plan that was concocted because I knew it meant nothing. I knew what was mine and I wasn’t worried about losing anything at all, but things changed once details were given about the plan. My chest constricted, and I wanted to be elsewhere but that place. I knew it was only a matter of minutes before tears came crashing down, but I didn’t let it happen. Instead, I put my walls back up and plastered a smile on my face; I was not gonna cave in to my weakness again, I was ready to put on a show like everything was okay. But nothing was okay; I was dying on the inside knowing that the same plan will never be done for me. 
Maybe I’m just being selfish..

First is Jealousy, Then come Pain

At first, I was happy about the idea and actually supported it. I didn’t mind at all about the plan that was concocted because I knew it meant nothing. I knew what was mine and I wasn’t worried about losing anything at all, but things changed once details were given about the plan. My chest constricted, and I wanted to be elsewhere but that place. I knew it was only a matter of minutes before tears came crashing down, but I didn’t let it happen. Instead, I put my walls back up and plastered a smile on my face; I was not gonna cave in to my weakness again, I was ready to put on a show like everything was okay. But nothing was okay; I was dying on the inside knowing that the same plan will never be done for me. 

Maybe I’m just being selfish..

CORY BOOKER
"Before you speak to me about your religion, first show it to me in how you treat other people; before you tell me how much you love your God, show me in how much you love all His children; before you preach to me of your passion for your faith, teach me about it through your compassion for your neighbors. In the end, I’m not as interested in what you have to tell or sell as in how you choose to live and give."

CORY BOOKER

"Before you speak to me about your religion, first show it to me in how you treat other people; before you tell me how much you love your God, show me in how much you love all His children; before you preach to me of your passion for your faith, teach me about it through your compassion for your neighbors. In the end, I’m not as interested in what you have to tell or sell as in how you choose to live and give."

HURT > ANGER> TRUST ISSUES
For the last month or so, I’ve been carrying this anger in me because of two people. People I trusted to be fair and honest with me. All I could do was constantly talk bad about them, find their faults and put them down while I’m at it. I couldn’t stop myself even I tried, even if I wanted to. However, I didn’t wanna stop. I was content in holding that anger towards them so that I could keep saying mean things about them. I was so angry that retaliation was the only way I saw in making things better for myself. But now I’m tired. I’m tired of being this angry at someone. I’m tired of having this heavy feeling in my heart about people I used to truly care about. I just. I don’t wanna deal with it anymore. I know they will never apologize because in their minds they did nothing wrong, and I would never force an apology out of someone. I know I will never be able to trust them the same way like before, or even trust them at all for that matter. From now on, I’m just gonna be careful with who I let in on my life and who I give my trust to.

HURT > ANGER> TRUST ISSUES

For the last month or so, I’ve been carrying this anger in me because of two people. People I trusted to be fair and honest with me. All I could do was constantly talk bad about them, find their faults and put them down while I’m at it. I couldn’t stop myself even I tried, even if I wanted to. However, I didn’t wanna stop. I was content in holding that anger towards them so that I could keep saying mean things about them. I was so angry that retaliation was the only way I saw in making things better for myself. But now I’m tired. I’m tired of being this angry at someone. I’m tired of having this heavy feeling in my heart about people I used to truly care about. I just. I don’t wanna deal with it anymore. I know they will never apologize because in their minds they did nothing wrong, and I would never force an apology out of someone. I know I will never be able to trust them the same way like before, or even trust them at all for that matter. From now on, I’m just gonna be careful with who I let in on my life and who I give my trust to.

Practice what you preach.

Being a Christian myself, one of the main things that I constantly question at church is people’s integrity. One can praise and worship God all they want, or even be the one that teaches the word to others, but what good will it do if it doesn’t manifest in your life? I have always been someone who believes that action speak louder than words, and lately, some people’s actions have shown their true colors. I am sad to say this, but I have no faith whatsoever in my youth leader. A good leader isn’t just about the talk, but about the walk that follows after. And I’m afraid that she has not been able to live up to all the things she has been saying from the start.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall.

Whenever I look at myself in the mirror, with and without clothes on, I cringe at the person staring back at me. I’m hideous and there’s nothing that stands out about me. I have cheeks that make me look like a squirrel with food stuffed in my mouth, I have a belly that is probably larger than woman who is three months pregnant and I have freaking man boobs for crying out loud. There is just nothing to like about the person I see in front of me. Nothing. It gets tiring looking at myself and not being happy with how I am. Maybe that’s why I buy a lot of clothes: to cover up all my imperfections and make myself look well put-together. I guess my way of making up for all the ugliness is by buying all the nice things I can. Sometimes, I even wish that I was handsome and didn’t look like an ogre. But I don’t wanna have to do that anymore. I want to change all of that so I can finally be comfortable in my own skin.

I wonder.

Sometimes I wonder who really cares about me. I feel like I haven’t really done anything significant to be kept in someone’s memories forever. I feel like I haven’t made much impact to be remembered at all. And I want to change that. I want to make a difference in someone’s life and be kept not just in their memory, but also their heart, for all time. I don’t want to waste this life away by being selfish and only living for myself. 

Alone.

Have you ever been in a room full of people and still felt totally alone? That’s how it was for me this morning at church. I was surrounded by church-goers, most of whom aren’t strangers to me anymore. I have friendship with some of these people. But something in me didn’t feel right, and a part of me wanted to break down. A part of me felt like I didn’t belong there. And there was this ugly voice in my head telling me that I was right.

I will never be what the people at church expect me to be, not even if I prayed about it endlessly. Do they honestly think I chose this life? A life that’s full of more struggles than a normal one. I didn’t choose to be like this. I don’t want a life that’ll have people look down upon me because I’m different from everybody else. If God made me me in His image perfectly, then why can’t His people take me and love me just the way I am?

“I’m happy to have someone like you. I feel like I can mature some more if I have you helping me. You’re a blessing.. I don’t think you’ll be able to scare me away because I’m telling you right now I want to make you believe in “love”. Shoot, I want you to believe that relationships aren’t bad and that they are good.”

I’m happy to have someone like you. I feel like I can mature some more if I have you helping me. You’re a blessing.. I don’t think you’ll be able to scare me away because I’m telling you right now I want to make you believe in “love”. Shoot, I want you to believe that relationships aren’t bad and that they are good.

Shrek: I don’t understand. This doesn’t make any sense. True love’s kiss was supposed to fix everything!
Fiona: Yeah, you know what? That’s what they told me, too. True love didn’t get me out of that tower. I did. I saved myself. Don’t you get it? It’s all just a big fairy tale!
Shrek: Fiona, don’t say that. It does exist!
Fiona: And how would you know? Did you grow up locked away in a dragon’s keep? Did you live all alone in a miserable tower? Did you cry yourself to sleep every night, waiting for a true love that never came?
Shrek: But.. but.. I’m your true love.
Fiona: Then where were you when I needed you?

Shrek: I don’t understand. This doesn’t make any sense. True love’s kiss was supposed to fix everything!

Fiona: Yeah, you know what? That’s what they told me, too. True love didn’t get me out of that tower. I did. I saved myself. Don’t you get it? It’s all just a big fairy tale!

Shrek: Fiona, don’t say that. It does exist!

Fiona: And how would you know? Did you grow up locked away in a dragon’s keep? Did you live all alone in a miserable tower? Did you cry yourself to sleep every night, waiting for a true love that never came?

Shrek: But.. but.. I’m your true love.

Fiona: Then where were you when I needed you?

The funny thing with love is, one day you have it, next day it’s gone before you could even figure out what really happened. You ask yourself what could I have done any better to make it work, but maybe knowing it would not have made much of a difference. Why? Because it’s hard to stop a person from leaving if their minds are already set on it. It’s like trying to a stop a bullet after the gun has already been fired; you just can’t do it. Maybe I didn’t give them enough or any good reasons to stay, maybe I wasn’t worth any of the trouble that they knew would come our way. Or it might just be because of one simple fact: they just didn’t love me at all.

The funny thing with love is, one day you have it, next day it’s gone before you could even figure out what really happened. You ask yourself what could I have done any better to make it work, but maybe knowing it would not have made much of a difference. Why? Because it’s hard to stop a person from leaving if their minds are already set on it. It’s like trying to a stop a bullet after the gun has already been fired; you just can’t do it. Maybe I didn’t give them enough or any good reasons to stay, maybe I wasn’t worth any of the trouble that they knew would come our way. Or it might just be because of one simple fact: they just didn’t love me at all.