Being a Christian myself, one of the main things that I constantly question at church is people’s integrity. One can praise and worship God all they want, or even be the one that teaches the word to others, but what good will it do if it doesn’t manifest in your life? I have always been someone who believes that action speak louder than words, and lately, some people’s actions have shown their true colors. I am sad to say this, but I have no faith whatsoever in my youth leader. A good leader isn’t just about the talk, but about the walk that follows after. And I’m afraid that she has not been able to live up to all the things she has been saying from the start.
Whenever I look at myself in the mirror, with and without clothes on, I cringe at the person staring back at me. I’m hideous and there’s nothing that stands out about me. I have cheeks that make me look like a squirrel with food stuffed in my mouth, I have a belly that is probably larger than woman who is three months pregnant and I have freaking man boobs for crying out loud. There is just nothing to like about the person I see in front of me. Nothing. It gets tiring looking at myself and not being happy with how I am. Maybe that’s why I buy a lot of clothes: to cover up all my imperfections and make myself look well put-together. I guess my way of making up for all the ugliness is by buying all the nice things I can. Sometimes, I even wish that I was handsome and didn’t look like an ogre. But I don’t wanna have to do that anymore. I want to change all of that so I can finally be comfortable in my own skin.
Sometimes I wonder who really cares about me. I feel like I haven’t really done anything significant to be kept in someone’s memories forever. I feel like I haven’t made much impact to be remembered at all. And I want to change that. I want to make a difference in someone’s life and be kept not just in their memory, but also their heart, for all time. I don’t want to waste this life away by being selfish and only living for myself.
Have you ever been in a room full of people and still felt totally alone? That’s how it was for me this morning at church. I was surrounded by church-goers, most of whom aren’t strangers to me anymore. I have friendship with some of these people. But something in me didn’t feel right, and a part of me wanted to break down. A part of me felt like I didn’t belong there. And there was this ugly voice in my head telling me that I was right.
I will never be what the people at church expect me to be, not even if I prayed about it endlessly. Do they honestly think I chose this life? A life that’s full of more struggles than a normal one. I didn’t choose to be like this. I don’t want a life that’ll have people look down upon me because I’m different from everybody else. If God made me me in His image perfectly, then why can’t His people take me and love me just the way I am?